Just a few hours ago, the interwebs was knocked with some comedic gold thanks in part to CBS Sports. They decided to release that minotaur portrait of Alex Rodriquez a new hit game entitled Baseball Boyfriends. Baseball Boyfriends is a new interactive game where women can pick an MLB Player to be their "Baseball Boyfriend" and depending on how said boyfriend does throughout the season, participants are given points thus having the most points at the end of the season labels you as the Trophy Wife. GET IT! YOU GUYS GET THAT JOKE!? I DON'T EVEN THINK TROPHY WIFE IS PART OF THE GAME I JUST THREW IT IN THERE!
Now now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "THIS GAME IS EXTREMELY SEXIST! WHY ARE THEY EVEN ROLLINT OUT WITH THIS?!". It's because "Sandwich Maker" was already invented. I'M TOTALLY KIDDING GIRLS! JK JK JK! Actually, what bothers me is that this whole game is directed to girls the same day Prop 8 was deemed unconstitutional. WHY CAN'T BOYS HAVE BASEBALL BOYFRIENDS!! Glen Burke would be EXTREMELY UPSET (In case you didn't know, Glen Burke was the first and I think only baseball player to come out. RIP).
Sure, this game is beyond sexist and highly offensive; but do you really think that's going to stop me from participating from Baseball Boyfriends? NOPE! Which is why I'm bringing to you...
THE TOP 5 ANGELS YOU WOULD WANT AS YOUR BASEBALL BOYFRIEND
1. Mark Trumbo - You better BELIEVE this dude is boyfriend material. This guy will not only give you the production you need to rack up those points by knocking walk-off home runs against Mike Adams (Remember that?! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!) but I'm sure he'd be the perfect gentlemen while he takes you to that fancy internet cafe you've been dying to go to. He looks like a cuddler too!
2. Dan Haren - The Rodney Dangerfield of pitchers. This guy gets NO RESPECT I TELL YA! Oh, his 16-10 3.17 ERA record of last season wasn't good enough for you? How about that he's a family man! The guy is Mr. Commitment. GIRLS LOVE COMMITMENT! Huh? you thought I was going to bring up his eyes? THAT'S JUST A BONUS PERK, TOOTS!
3. Chris Ianetta - To be honest, I don't even know why I'm putting him in the Top 5. I know nothing of the guy other that he played for the Chatham A's and Freddie Prinze Jr. played for the same team in the blockbuster smash hit "Summer Catch". He seems like the kind of guy girls are going to go crazy over. Maybe it's that bald head. HE LOOKS LIKE SUCH A BADASS! "What's his stats Ricardo" HE LOOKS LIKE A BADASS THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!
4. Mike Scioscia - "Huh? Seriously Ricardo? The Skip??" I don't know if Managers are selected to be your Baseball Boyfriend, but I'm doing this for the girls that have Daddy Issues. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Sosh is hands down one of the best managers in baseball. I haven't paid the $2.99 to see if Managers are eligible to be your Boyfriend but in the case that he is LOOK NO FURTHER LADIES! Plus he has like a ton of cash. HOWARDS GOLDMINE!
5. Hank Conger - "Ricardo...you could have said PBJ, Mike Trout, Howie Kendrick, CJ Wilson. Why Hank?". I'll tell you why. PERSONALITY! You didn't hear what happened on the Angels Fan Cruise last week? Apparently he saved a baby from going overboard while shuffling to LMFAO. He won the hearts of every single Angels fan on that cruise. I wasn't there so I couldn't witness. "Well why weren't you there?" BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED BACK IN MEXICO SINCE THE INCIDENT OK! GEEZ!
Peter Bourjos - Don't even think about taking him. Garrett over at Monkey With A Halo already has dibs on him. GARRETT WILL SEND OVER A MONKEY WITH THE MOBATA VIRUS FROM OUTBREAK TO YOU! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
CJ Wilson - Plus - Dude doesn't smoke, drink, and is ever negative (POSI-VIBES BRO!). Con - CJ does what he wants. Oh you want him to take you to see Twilight? HE'S TOO BUSY RACING CARS! WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING HIM!? WORST.GIRLFRIEND.EVER!
Garrett Richards - Garrett's time will come. I say dump Sosh mid-way through the season and pick up Garrett.
Howie Kendrick - For some odd reason I'm still blocked by him. I don't know what I did but until he unblocks me, I can't allow you to pick him as your Baseball Boyfriend even though he's probably the raddest second basemen we have. Huh? You're picking him anyways? FINE BE THAT WAY! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT JERK!
Mike Trout - Really? The kid is like the Justin Bieber of MLB Players. HE'S GONNA CHEAT ON YOU DUM DUM! Ok, maybe he won't he seems like a good guy. BUT DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YO!