The following is one of those blog posts that only warrant three words for its description.  Those three words?

Presented without comment.

But anybody who knows me knows that is absolutely impossible for me to present anything without a comment.  I mean, it took me 18 words just to say that I only need to say 3.    I’m so wordy I write 10 line haikus.

It would be especially contradictory of me to not be thoroughly wordy, considering I’ve been recently labeled a “geek” by other baseball fans.  The label derives from my acceptance of the sabermetric world into my baseball heart.  Apparently, accepting new and innovative ways to determine value for a baseball player makes me a geek.  If that’s the case, then I hope some of you join me in Geekville.  There will be enough suspender snapping and Cheez Its for everyone.  Ken Jennings is our motivational speaker.

One of these stats I have accepted is the ever-divisive Wins Above Replacement, or WAR for short. In case you’ve been living in Vietnam for the past couple of months, you have probably heard about WAR as it has been highly publicized in the over publicized AL MVP race between Mike Trout and Miguel Cabrera.

In and of itself, WAR is a long series of math problems based on advanced statistics about every player’s every contribution to the team, or lack thereof.  If you are so inclined, you can read about how WAR is created here.  I wish you good luck, because it was created by some of the brightest minds in baseball analytics, and is pretty freaking complicated.  Like putting identical twins in a house of mirrors complicated. 

However, if reading isn’t your thing maybe listening to god awful music is.  Admit it; we all listened to a little bit of Sandfrog during our love affair with Scott Spiezio after 2002.  Our society loves to poison each other so much, that I was forced to do this two months ago.  Well, I thought I would return with a vengeance today, with the hopes of educating the masses about WAR.  There has to be at least one weird person per website, right?  I’m just The Resident Weird of this one.

Without further adieu, I present to you (without comment), a parodied version of Justin Bieber’s ear poison “Baby” as my attempt to explain the statistic WAR.  Here is the original version of the song (DISCLAIMER: keep cotton balls ready because your ears are about to begin profusely bleeding).  And here is my version:

 

 “Baby War” by Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris featuring Kevin Lappin

 

ohhhh WARRRRRR

ohhhh WARRRRRR

ohhhh WARRRRRR

 

You know I see you, I know you’re there

Just shout “true value,” and I’ll be there

I judge your glove, I judge all parts

But I would never, ever, ever judge your “heart”

 

I’m quantified when, when you’re playin

Above replacement, that’s what I’m sayin

And the value you bring your team each night

From your glove, your speed and your batting eye

 

But who am I?

 

(Chorus 2x)

Baby, baby I’m your WAR

“Mine?”

Baby, baby yes I’m yours

“Nice!”

Baby, baby I’m your WAR

There’s no value I can’t find

 

Oh oh for you, I can prove whatever

Just play defense, and you’ll be better

And they would be fools, if they traded you

If you had anything above a  5.3

 

Cause you’d be elite

And if you’re pitching

Use strike outs till you wipe out the other team

They would frown, frown, frown, frown

And your all inclusive F-I-P would be going down

 

(Chorus 2x)

 

LUDA!!!!!!!!

When you are fielding, use your Gold Glove

It doesn’t matter that you play at Safeco, Fenway, the Trop, AT&T or Yankee Stadium,

I adjust for park effects, and for your dumb luck

So please don’t get stressed, if you hit a slump.

 

If you hit groundouts, you better beat the throw on the 4-6-3 and

I know you’re wond’ring about, yes I factor in your speed or if you’re caught stealin

Old people think I’m crazy, but I am pretty amazing

Is that an out you’re making?  I should just keep on saying…

 

(Chorus 70000000x)

 

I'm a song
Yeahh, yeah, yeah
Yeahh, yeahhh
Now I'm a song
Yeahh, yeah, yeah
Yeahh, yeahhh
Now I'm a song
Yeahh, yeah, yeah
Yeahh, yeahhh
Now I'm a song, song, song, song
I'm a song